Depression and Hope…

Hello everyone,
It’s been quite some time since I’ve written on here. I miss writing and reaching out. I went into a deep bipolar depression with anxiety, because of the prolonged excruciating fibro flare-up that has been knocking me on my ass for the past several months. For the most part I can handle a certain amount of pain. But when depression & fibro worlds collide, it’s literally “clash of the the titans”.
The constant body pain, especially in my neck, shoulders, left hip= Fibro flares, IBS flareups, ultimate brain fog, no concentration, morbid depression…thinking I would be better off if I were to not wake up from my sleep than deal with this for the rest of my life. Honestly, that’s how pain changes you after a while. I seem to keep going through these boughts of grieving….then acceptance…anger…why me? …why not me?  This is and has been the most overwhelming experience I’ve ever had to deal with in my life thus far. No matter how many times I’ve gotten knocked down….I always seem to get back up. My husband and kids tell me how strong I am, after all I’ve been through my whole life. They call me a warrior. I ask how can I be…when I’m physically/mentally unable to be there for them like I used to be?!

For some time I just wasn’t seeing any of that positivity in myself. I felt so weak emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Drained of life. I was so down I became numb to my emotions and feelings….as if my own feelings didn’t even matter, but of coarse they do and always have. I just had to get through this barrier of depression holding me back. First things first. I made an appointment with my psych doctor and she raised and regulated my anti- depressants, they seem to be helping. i try to get outside as much as I can , that also seems to help a little. Especially the gorgeous fall-like weather we’ve been having, it makes it a lot easier for me to stay outside longer as opposed to the 90 degree heat and humidity…which hurts my body something fierce.

Anyways I’ve been trying different CBD/THC topicals and bath soaks that are really helpful. They help alleviate muscle pain, stiffness, spasms, trigger points, soreness and anxiety. I found that the CBD lotion applied with Biofreeze topical can lessen the pain intensity for up to an hour or two, then you can always reapply of course. some relief is better than none at this point. I’m just trying to get through a day at a time and it isn’t easy. My doctor wants me to do another round of PT for 6 weeks. I’m trying to get better range of motion back into my shoulders and neck.  Next month I get a low back injection, in hopes for a little more comfort when I walk . I’ve had so many , I guess I’m just hoping one will give me relief.

I’m just going to keep on trying to get through this. And along the way I still want to enjoy my life…even if there are limitations. I’ll just have to make some alterations and take it easy, which is easier said than done sometimes 😉 I’m going to keep writing to let everyone know where I’m at and how I’m doing as well as focusing on the fact that we are not alone with our chronic illnesses/chronic pain.

Gentle hugs,

Raquel XO


Raquel Palen

Hi guys, my name is Raquel. I'm 42, married to a very loving and supportive husband with 2 beautiful children. I've been living with chronic pain for many years. I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia by my rhuemetolgist February 2018. It has drastically changed and rearranged my life. I also have been living with bipolar, anxiety and depression for over 20 years. These blogs are my stories of survival and hope, and providing information that I've learned about living with invisible illnesses along the way.

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Hello my lady! I have always known that you were strong your whole life! Don’t let pain make you think you are not strong, because,the simple fact is that you have to be strong to live life with fibromyalgia first and foremost. Second you have a very wonderful family that is your support group at any given time. Not to mention the friendships that surround you for even more support. You ARE a stronger person than you give yourself credit for and this goes for all of us fighting this dreadful disease. Stay strong as always all of the warriors included.
    A friend always ❤

    1. Thank you so much for your support! I truly appreciate it! Depression and pain go hand in hand for me. I’m grateful to get the feedback I do from everyone, it keeps my hope alive!!

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